In Love with Life…

It’s been almost 3 years since I quietly allowed
myself to be seated on passenger seat – which was good, to some extent, because
I could just sit, relaxed, and enjoyed the ride (if there was something to
enjoy at all). Practically I didn’t have to drive because there was no need to
do so in Japan, and whenever I came home for a visit, there was always someone who’d be willing
to drive for me. For a while after returning home, having nothing to do with
car and Jakarta traffic (which I hate for sure) made me feel nothing but glad
for being free from the hustle and bustle of crowded streets. But only for a
while, I suppose. With the passing time, I began to miss my old friend, a
petite black Starlet which used to be my running shoes. There began the search
for a replacement, which led me to a somewhat oversized (the fact that makes it
more handsome, actually), dark blue Ferio – my new car and someone else’s old
car. I am happy with it; however, a used car is all I can afford for the time
being. And this car is much better than my old one.

So there it goes. I am behind the wheel once again,
and it feels damn good. Maybe it’s the fact that I don’t drive on weekdays that
makes it more like a leisure, maybe it’s the feeling of independence that runs
in my vein (I bought this car, I paid for the gasoline, I drive it myself – I
make my own fortune and I am proud of it!). Whatever it is, I feel so good that
it’s hard to believe that only a few weeks before it I was at one of the lowest
points of my life.

Yep, the lowest point of my life. The beginning of
this year surprised me with realities that really rocked my peaceful, balanced
life. Somehow it affected me in a way I never imagine. I felt lost, regret, and
guilt – I kept wondering what might have happened if I had chosen different
option in the past. I questioned myself about the reasons I considered before
making up the decision, the very
decision that might be the cause for what happened and for my current state of
being. I am ashamed now to admit that for some time, I was not being myself.

Thank’s God, nothing in this world lasts forever. So
does the lost of myself. I found a grip on the facts that were there all the
times; the facts I didn’t see because of the guilts and regrets that clouded
me. I found comforting answers to my questions. It was not my mistake at all. I
did what I had to do given the circumstances at that time. Despite the
suspicion that I had the lies in my words, I know that I told the true, that my
intention was pure, and that I preserved my honor by being loyal to my
commitment. I am not to put the blame on me (thank you Lord for being my
shelter).

It makes me smile now that I realize how the hardship
which just passed is quite similar to my coming back behind the wheel. I
thought I lost my Starlet, but it is not the car that I really miss. I miss
being in control and independent as I used to be. Once I am in a better car, I
can barely remember that I once had a Starlet! In asmuch the same way, I think
it is not the lost of someone or something that really matters. It is the absence
of happines that once there that is quite hard to accept. I don’t need that particular
someone, or that particular something; what I need is the happines. Only the
happiness. With this understanding, I welcome my old self that I love – my old
self that is logical and determined – with the addition of new lessons I
learned – I am the one who is responsible for my own happiness.

This entry was posted on Sunday, February 18th, 2007 at 9:26 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.